All I want to know is what the hell is going on with my blog, who are all you people and why are you coming around here all the sudden? I know my writing hasn’t improved and I’ve yet to publish the pictures from the Levi Johnston, Patrick Dempsey three way I had the other day. I took down the naked pictures of Dane Cook after I realized what an asshat he is.

So yeah, I’m confused about what’s going on around here lately. Now because I’m not on my own domain I don’t have all the fancy schmancy stat counters and plug-ins and shit that the cool kids have. I have to rely on my wimpy WordPress stats that I get with the free blog, so I admit my insight is limited. On the typical day I hit about 140-160 page loads, not bad for the drivel I try to sell around here.That is until Friday November 20th, that’s when things went a little bit weird around here.

I’m worried that a lot of horny teenagers are going to be truly disappointed when they find that there is no masturbatory material starring Angelina Jolie on this blog. Hell, I know some adults who are going to be sad about that too.

Enjoy your visit horndogs and try not to get lube on the monitor.

Week 50 of the stolen meme meme and again we return to Sunday Stealing for The Magical Mystery Tour Meme.

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? You and most everyone else near you.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public? I don’t use the toilet in public, I prefer to close the door.
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Better I wear mine than the one in the next seat over.
4. Do you have a crush on someone? No, but I’ve crushed a few someones under my car.
5. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Victims
6. What famous person do you think you resemble? When the goat god made me he broke the mold.
7. What is your favourite pizza topping? Virgins.
8. Do you crack your knuckles? No, I prefer to break yours instead.
9. What song do you hate the most? Anything with words.
10. Did mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Here I’ll use my drill to get it out of your head.
11. What are your super powers? The ability to ignore stupid people.
12. Peppermint or spearmint? Vodka.
13. Where are your car keys? Up your ass.
14. Last song you listened to? Hokey Pokey.
15. What’s your most annoying habit? Knowing the truth.
16. Where did you last go on vacation? The restaurant at the end of the universe.
17. What is your best physical feature? My massive penis.
18. What CD is closest to you right now? I don’t know any cross dressers.
19. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Blood, brains and poppers.
20. What superstition do you believe/practice? A virgin a day keeps old age away.
21. What colour are your bed sheets? Black, it hides the blood stains.
22. Would you rather be a fish or a bird? I’d rather eat both than be either.
23. Last thing you broke? His ass hymen.
24. What are you having to eat tonight? Naked per usual.
25. What colour shirt are you wearing? Naked per usual.
26. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing? Killing you with extreme prejudice.
27. Do security cameras make you nervous? My image can’t be captured on film.
28. If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be? Where are all the bodies?
29. Last time you went to a cemetery? There’s one in my back yard, don’t you pay attention?
30. Last concert you went to? Teletubbies on Ice
31. Favourite musician(s)/bands you’ve seen in concert? Billy Graham.
32. Next concert you’re planning to attend? Sarah Palin sings the bible.
33. Do you talk to yourself? I’m mute.
34. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet? I’d adopt Levi Johnston if you’re offering.
35. Have you ever been present when an animal is being born? Just my sister.

No, I’m not talking about Thanksgiving, nope not Christmakwanakuh either, not sexy Nathan’s birthday either (happy birthday!!!!). Geez are you people really that slow??? It’s that time of the year, the time when I go on my blog vacation and turn the reins over to you, the inmates! Yes, it’s time for the Great Laziness of 2009!

Last year during the Great Laziness of 2008 we were graced with some great guest posters:

• Jewelz told us about what she wanted for Christmas
• Etta shared with us how her humans humiliate her year after year
• Maggie let us know that she grooves on a man’s dirty junk
• My sister in law, Michele, spilled the beans on what it’s like to be married to someone you’ve known your entire life and about how I subjected her to hairy man ass hanging in her face
• One of my blog crushes, the delightful Tracy from Kaply Inc, tempted us with her vision of cake
• Kevin tried to confuse us all with some weirdo Canadian trivia
• To wrap up the festivities last year the adorkable Craig spilled the secret about me being obsessed with his semen

As you can see last year was a gold star year and the posters this year will have to work very hard to match up. So that’s where you, my dearest readers, come in. It’s time to throw your hats in the ring to secure your place as a guest poster on this little corner of the PRB. Be you a dedicated reader and commenter, a lurker who just reads my drivel or even a Facebook lurker this is your chance to make it big on this here blog.

I would love to have enough guest posts to take off beginning the 21st of December through the 1st of January. Of course if I have more volunteers than that I get to take more days off! I’ll post something myself on Christmas day, but the rest of them are up for grabs if you want a specific day it’s first come first served. Hell if I have enough guests I’ll run seven days a week for the first time ever!

What to write? Well that’s the dilemma that I’m faced with each and every day. Write what makes you happy, what makes someone laugh or something that reveals the deep dark truths about me that I don’t share on my own. I do have one very special offer to lay out there… Sofanda’s December post would fall on Christmas day which just won’t do, she can either write her post for the Friday before or one of you brave & twisted souls can take on her questions and provide your own answers.

Let’s get this going, remember if you post here I’m automatically required to return the favor at a time of your choosing. If you want to post, and who wouldn’t, be sure to let me know as soon as you can so I can start getting the schedule set up by contacting me using the Talkback link in the left sidebar.

Squee, I can’t wait!

just walk the fuck away. You’re done, it’s over, the fat lady has sung her last note, etc. If you’re a fan of Dan Brown in general, The Da Vinci Code “changed your life”* or you have no idea what I’m talking about you might want to just ignore this post. Also, if you don’t want to see spoilers from the newest Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol, it’s a good time to leave and come back later.

All right, let’s preface this with the admission that I have read all of Dan Brown’s books. I started with Angels and Demons, moved on to Deception Point and Digital Fortress, read The Da Vinci Code and now I’ve recently finished The Lost Symbol. Let’s take a quick look at each one individually:

• Angels & Demons ~ really enjoyed this one, made me want to read more by this author
• Deception Point & Digital Fortress ~ meh, didn’t really register and I don’t have the first idea what they were about
• The Da Vinci Code ~ mediocre at best, prompted me to read Holy Blood, Holy Grail a non-fiction book that does a much better job with this concept
• The Lost Symbol ~ utter and complete crap, I want my money back and I want someone to pour brain bleach in my ear so I will forget that I read this drivel.

I have two major problems with The Lost Symbol. First it got too preachy for my tastes towards the end, all of his books have had religious overtones, but this one just hit me the wrong way. Maybe my time sacrificing virgins to the goat god has made me less tolerant of bullshit religion than I was in the past. My other problem was that halfway through it I realized that I hated Robert Langdon, the main character. I’m not sure if I hate him because he’s an idiot, because he’s poorly written, because he just seems to blunder his way through everything except solving puzzles or because Tom Hanks played him in the movies. I can’t stand Tom Hanks and that may well have colored my perception when I read this book since he hadn’t starred as Langdon yet when I read the other books.

****** spoiler alert ******

How did I realize that I hated Robert Langdon? Well when he’s in the sensory deprivation tank and he thinks that he’s drowned I was hoping that he had. In fact I was kind of cheering for the idea that he would be dead so that Dan Brown couldn’t write another lousy book with him as the main character. I was so excited by the fact that I thought he was dead that I had to put the book down for a day or two when I found out that he wasn’t dead. It pissed me off that much. When your main character is hated that much you’ve failed.

****** spoiler alert ******

Now I realize that I’m probably one of three people on the entire planet that feel this way, but that’s fine. I’m done reading Dan Brown books and I hope that his publisher fires him after this train wreck. I’m off the read the National Enquirer to stimulate my thought processes again.

——————————————–

* ~ if you believe that the Da Vinci Code changed your life I implore you to seek psychiatric help immediately. You, I’m sorry to say, are completely insane or possibly brain dead. Does a mirror fog up when you hold it under your nostrils?

We watched the Oprah interview of Sarah Palin the other day – wow I thought the stupid in this post burned, but she’s a bonfire all on her own. Rage on stupid crazy lady rage on! You know the drill (baby drill), here’s the weekly look at the stupid around us…

• This is why it takes a decade or longer to get anything done in Seattle. Lawsuit after lawsuit.
• Should we shoot them or throw them into ovens?
• Due process and the rule of law – not what the republicans stand for apparently. (site very nsfw)
• Ooooooh, the war on xmas has started already – here’s a list of stores to shop at for being inclusive!
• The military is so pro-family it hurts, really it hurts.
• Her platform? Fake tits and free porn for all!
• Of course he’s the devil, all people that color are.
• Most prancy, mincey faggot have more balls than most republicans just in the fact that they own who they are! (site very nsfw)
• Hey boys in St Paul – you need to go bust some of our kind out!
• Oh dear goat god, please let this be their 2012 ticket, I promise to sacrifice a virgin to you every day if it is so!

In the American culture we shake hands in greeting, sure a lot of other cultures do as well. In Japanese culture bowing as a form of greeting is standard. Am I the only one that doesn’t find it at all odd that President Obama bowed when greeting the Emperor of Japan the other day? Apparently I am because I’ve heard nothing but the explosion of right wing nutcase heads since the fact.

What’s so wrong with following the customs of the country you are visiting? How is showing respect to another human degrading to yourself (or this country for that matter), regardless of stature? It’s unlikely that I’ll be presented with an opportunity to meet the Emperor of Japan but you can be damn sure I’ll be bowing if I do. Mr Obama continues to bring a dignity back to the office of the President that has been lacking for the majority of this decade.

Oh, that’s what the problem is, I’m so silly! The President is supposed to kiss and hold hands with the leaders of other countries. Mr Obama needs to only follow Mr Bush’s lead in how to properly meet and greet foreign dignitaries.

Right Wingers would you just please fuck off and find something worthwhile to complain about? Thanks so much, kisses.

Thank the sticky fingered thieves over at Sunday Stealing for this fodder, otherwise who knows what drivel you’d be presented with today. At least I think their fingers are sticky from thieving, if not that then I really don’t want to know what the hell is on their fingers. This week we have the Starrlight Meme.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? I didn’t catch his name.
2. Where was your profile picture taken? It’s my most recent mugshot.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero? I have better things to do than pretend to be an underachieving musician.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about? The hooker that I brought home, she tried to leave.
5. How late did you stay up last night and why? I don’t sleep at night because the sunlight burns.
6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why? Somewhere that they teach proper English.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? No, but I’ve been kissed under the balls a few times.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? I have no friends.
9. Do you believe exes can be friends? With benefits? The only way you’re leaving me is if you’re dead and I’m not into necrophilia.
10. Do you like Dr. Pepper? No, the last examination he gave me was overly rough.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Really hard as opposed to just sniveling? I have no tear ducts.
12. Who took your profile picture? Seattle City Police.
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? The guy across the alley when he was getting into the shower through the window.
14. Was yesterday better than today? Why? There will be no more tomorrows for you, so enjoy what you had.
15. Can you live a day without TV? Can you live a day without being so fucking stupid?
16. Are you upset about anything now? Just the usual, humanity in general.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? No, that’s why I fuck and leave them for dead.
18. Are you a bad influence? Duh.
19. Night out or night in? How about a night of a little in-n-out?
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Sex
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? The donor of my new liver.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? Fuck off and die asshole.
23. How do you feel about your life right now? My life – great, yours – not so good.
24. Do you hate anyone? You.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? Dust.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Depends on if I studied or not.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? No need to tell me what I already know.
28. What song is stuck in your head? I’m a Little Teapot.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2 a.m., whom do you want it to be? It better not be the fucking cops!
30. Do you (or did you) want to have grandkids before you’re 50? Having no children that lived, that would be a feat!
31. Tell us your Saturday night. Find hooker, fuck hooker, kill hooker, bury hooker.
32. Do you think too much or too little? Thinking is for suckers.
33. Do you smile a lot? Not since I had my face removed.

Lazy and uninspired again tonight, sigh. Went to therapy for the third session this evening, I think it’s a huge waste of my time and probably the therapists, though she is getting paid for it.  My assignment for next week is to come up with a list of reasons why I’m going to therapy and some issues to work on in future sessions. I think that was a polite way of saying why the fuck are you here? So far I’ve learned that my partner and I have good communication skills and that I had a good childhood that isn’t fucking with my head. I already knew these things…

So instead of doing anything remotely productive I present you with quotes from one of my idols, Karen Walker from Will and Grace – and the only reason she came to mind is because I saw some of her quotes on another  blog  the other day. She made the show and never failed to make me laugh.

• Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.
• [to Rosario]: Uh, okay. I don’t know what you people do in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico… But here in America, we don’t eat birds.
• Good Lord. I can’t believe I’m at a public pool. Why doesn’t somebody just pee directly on me?
• Oh honey, I would, but… I don’t want to.
• By your inflection I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but… No.
• They’re trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don’t they know what that’ll do to the fall line?
• Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out!
• Oh honey, I love you like the mother I had committed.
• You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams. [pause] Well that’s not sad as much as it is extremely funny.
• Sorry I’m late. Oh God, that sounded insincere… I’m late.
• You say potato, I say vodka.
• Martini, honey and don’t waste any space with those olives!
• Oh, for Gods sake, its just the four of us. Grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight.
• I’m sorry; you must have mistaken me for someone else. My name is Anastasia Beaverhousen.
• Honey, you’re simple, you’re shallow, & you’re a common whore, that’s why we are soul mates.
• It’s not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

Bored and looking for a good time I headed down to my medical clinic yesterday to get poked repeatedly. Actually, I had scheduled allergy testing because I’ve been having some severe intestinal distress (yay, like you wanted to know this!) for the last six months and the other changes my doctor and I have been trying (new diabetes meds for one) haven’t been helping. I was hoping to discover that I was violently allergic to something really common, alas that wasn’t the case.

I originally had allergy testing done in 1979 and discovered that I was allergic to most animals, dust, mold, all grasses, weeds and trees and some foods. The animal thing wasn’t that big of a deal, I don’t ride horses any more so no more hives there and once I’ve been around a dog or cat for long enough I just become semi-immune to them, or at least the acute symptoms disappear. I also avoid skin products with lanolin in them because I’ve found that it makes it difficult to shave when your shaving cream gives you hives. I pop a Claritin every day to help control the dust, mold and green things allergies, it also helps keep my eczema from flaring up. The food stuff, I just avoid what I know makes me sick and we’re all good.

So after 60 something pokes in my forearms I didn’t learn much new. I’m still allergic to all the big ones that I’ve been allergic to for the last 30 years, no shock there. Dairy is still an issue, but that’s fine because I haven’t drank cow’s milk in 30 years because of the original allergy testing and the fact that I think it tastes gross now. The tests did reveal three new foods to avoid – eggs, peanuts and oats. Maybe removing these three will make a difference in the gut thing – I do eat a lot of peanut butter so we’ll see. Nothing life threatening – no throat closing because of peanut dust so that’s good. Nothing like the egg allergy my niece Chloe experiences, eggs cause her to have seizures and she had a reaction once just from having raw egg on her skin.

The doctor seemed most concerned with my cat allergy since we have a cat. His suggestions? First he said to get rid of the cat – hah like that’s going to happen. Then he suggested that I shave the cat once a month and bathe her once a week. I just looked at him and said “you don’t have a cat do you?”. Of course his answer was no. I’ve had pets for the last 30 years and I plan on having them for the next 30 regardless of the fact that they make me sneeze and wheeze and sometimes cause my eyes to swell shut. Funny, the doctor actually thought I might take his recommendations… he doesn’t know me at all!

Oh well, what a fun way to spend an afternoon. All I know for sure is I can’t wait to go back on my Claritin today, my skin is about ready to get ripped off from all the scratching.

Okay, I’m being lazy again today…