13 Things Not to Put in Your Butt

The return to the Thursday 13 meme finds me posting the first of my reader selected lists. After the millions thousands hundreds tens handful of votes were tallied, the number one thing my readers want to know is what not to put in their butts (thanks to Gooster for originally suggesting this topic oh so many weeks ago). I’m not sure if I should be concerned that my readers wish to stick things in their butts or if I should be relieved that they’re searching for things that they should avoid sticking in their butts. Either way, I think I’m going to need extensive therapy after this post. Maybe I should put a link to my pay-pal page in the sidebar so you freaks can all chip in to help cover the cost. Watch for more reader selections in upcoming weeks as my Thursday 13 topics.

If you have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m talking about in this post, you need to head over the the Thursday 13 meme hub and join in on the fun. It takes little to no effort, obviously since I can manage to pull it out most weeks. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s annoying, but it’s always something to do. Join in on the fun, you really don’t want to be the only one not doing it do you? Come on peer pressure is there for a reason, do it do it do it! Anyway, on with the list…

Here are 13 things you shouldn’t put in your butt:

1. your head ~ the most common thing found stuck up someones butt and the most difficult thing to extract. Do us all a favor and try to keep your head out of your ass.
2. your car keys ~ while it would seem a good place to keep them because they’d be easy to find, I think that the risk of perforating your bowels would be a deterrent.
3. vegetables such as cucumbers and zucchini ~ they are the right size and shape for a quick do-it-yourself anal dildo, but I’m always concerned that somehow they’re going to accidentally end up in the dinner salad.
4. beach blanket, umbrella and cooler ~ yes, your butt is a convenient place to put all these things when you’re walking to the beach in just your speedo, but wouldn’t the lube required to insert them just be beyond reason?
5. the kid’s gifts from Santa Claus ~ it’s a great hiding spot, but I think the daily reinsertion would get old in a hurry depending on how far ahead you shop.
6. illegal fireworks that you’re bringing home from Mexico ~ it’s just too damp inside your butt for the gunpowder to be useful after you got home. I’d be worried about standing to close to an open flame immediately following insertion.
7. Cuban cigars that you’re smuggling in from Canada ~ some people claim that cigars taste like ass, so I’d rather not add to that flavor.
8. nuclear weapons ~ a great place to smuggle said devices around the country, but what happens if you sit down just a bit too hard?
9. illegal aliens ~ just how do you expect them to breath while inside your butt? Straws sticking out of your ass might look a tad bit suspicious to the border crossing guards.
10. your buddies when trying to sneak them into the movie theater for free ~ I’m guessing that sitting through a film while covered in all the lube necessary to get them into your butt would not be terribly comfortable.
11. the bacon that you’re trying to hide from your spouse ~ if you enjoy the taste of ass on your bacon, this might just be the perfect idea for you.
12. the last piece of cake ~ ass and frosting don’t sound like that great of a combination to me.
13. any drugs that need smuggling ~ if you’re doing that kind of drug you have your head up your ass anyway so it’s as good a place as any to keep your crack I suppose.