13 things – a trainer’s perspective

blah blah it’s time for the Thursday 13 blah blah blah broken record blah blah blah join in on the fun blah blah blah

Some of you who torture yourself by reading my blog with any regularity know that I teach software classes to adults. You may also have discovered that frequent reading of my blog lowers your IQ. (did I used too many big words in that sentence?) Every class is a new experience and oftentimes I have some real smart asses in attendance. As much as I’d love to come back with some smart ass answer, I’m paid to smile and teach the needy bastards. Some days I dream of changing careers to something easier and less stressful like porta-potty cleaner or brain surgeon. However, I’m sure that both of those require years of intensive schooling and I just don’t have the time between my blogging and my napping. So without further preamble here’s my list of 13 things I’d like to say to my students but can’t…

1. You are the dumbest human being I have ever met, please leave the room and never come back
2. Computers are much too technical for you. I suggest a career that involves heavy equipment
3. If you click close and delete changes, you’re going to lose all your work. Just like I told you when class began. Now you have to redo several hours worth of software installation – have fun, I’m going to the bar.
4. No, I really don’t mind answering the same question that I just answered five minutes ago again. No, it’s really okay that you were so busy talking to your neighbor that you didn’t hear the answer.
5. Dude, I know you’re playing solitaire back there – don’t expect me to hold your hand during the exercise that you’re going to have to do on your own in about ten minutes.
6. Here’s the soap, the shower is on the third floor, come back when you’ve figured out how the two are used together.
7. Yes, I have a migraine. This migraine was caused by the cloud of perfume/cologne that surrounds you. If you show up to class tomorrow smelling like a cheap French whore I might just throw you out.
8. If your cell phone rings and disturbs my class again, I’m going to take the damn thing and shove it so far up your ass you won’t get it back until Christmas.
9. Don’t show up to my class sick, it’s not fair to me or the other students. I don’t care that you spent two grand to attend this class – we offer refunds and understand illness. People like you are the reason I had to attend my sister’s wedding while puking up my guts. Keep your germs to yourself, classes can be rescheduled – some events can’t.
10. Pounding on the keyboard will not make the software respond any faster nor will it make the software do what you want it to do.
11. If I wasn’t being paid to talk to you I’d beat you over the head with my laptop.
12. Yes, I know we’re the ones that provided the pastries and the cookies, but dude it’s not really that good for you to eat three danishes and four cookies each day of the class. Really, I don’t want you to fall over dead in here because I don’t know CPR.
13. I drink because of you and every other person that came before you.