13 Ways to Get Yourself Fired

Oh hell to the yes, it’s finally Thursday. Not only does it mean that this drag ass week is almost over, but it also means that I get a new delivery from Pioneer Organics – the friendly organic home delivery vegetable company here in Seattle and I get to go to my acupuncture appointment. I know that there’s another reason that I’m happy it’s Thursday… It’s the wonderful, special and absolutely never irreverent Thursday 13. This week we’ll take a look at 13 ways to get yourself fired from that job that you hate. Head over to the site and join in on the fun!

1. Post video of your boss banging her assistant on Xtube, send the link to her significant other from your work email account.
2. Park your Hummer in the boss’ parking spot, on top of his Porsche. If you miss back up and try again.
3. Play the classic WASP song “Fuck Like A Beast” at maximum level during the next board meeting
4. Show up to the staff meeting in your pajamas – so what if you sleep naked, the body is a beautiful thing
5. Answer all incoming calls with “Fred’s Dildos – we’ve got the plug you need”
6. Refuse to shake hands with anyone, instead say loudly that you’re not sure they washed their hands after using the restroom and you’d rather not risk it
7. “Develop” Touret’s Syndrome. Scream out obscenities at the least appropriate moment
8. Bring your screaming three year old to work with you everyday
9. Mention your CEO by name on your blog and speculate that he spends his days watching porn on the big screen tv in his office, send your blog URL to the all company email distribution list
10. Make photocopies of your junk and put one in each employee’s mailbox – be sure to include something identifying in the photocopy
11. Litter your cube with empty beer bottles and put a half empty bottle of whiskey in your top desk drawer
12. Format your computer’s hard drive – repeat daily until desired results are achieved
13. Watch porn and masturbate openly at your desk