I spent all weekend trying to rip my skin off… you?

• Busy, crazy weekend, but oh the fun we had. Two of Bryan’s sisters showed up on Friday just in time for lunch. We headed downtown, met Bryan at his office and went to a Brazilian place down by the market in order to stuff ourselves. When describing this place as a salad bar with a grill you would be doing it a huge disservice, the salad bar part is really a plethora of exotic food choices with which to tantalize your taste buds to quote one of my sisters-in-law. Then the meat guys wander around slicing off pieces of grilled meat for you to eat until you burst. After that we walked up to Pike Place Market in an attempt to stave off the meat sweats and food coma. Deb just had to have some donuts from the market so those were acquired and eaten and all was well with the world.
• We arrived home and began drinking martinis, hilarity ensued. After dinner we continued drinking martinis and we began playing Catch Phrase, which we played so much over the three days they were here that we played completely through most of the categories and were getting repeats. Joyce and I had to get up early for the craft bus the next morning so we finally called it good after 5 or 6 rounds of drinks and headed to our respective beds.
• The next morning with what we were claiming were “migraines” but in all actuality were probably hangovers Joyce and I joined up with Trixie and JulieAnn, the Poff and Kelly and the rest of the bazaar bus babes and hit the xmas bazaars. It may only be November 10th, but I’m here to tell you that xmas is over now. Once the bus trip is over the holiday season is over for me, so it is for you as well.
• Sunday we went to brunch, drank, played games, watched a movie, ate pizza, drank and gossiped. What a great weekend!
• The skin thing? Oh, I’m having some allergy testing done tomorrow and I have been off my Claritin for almost a week. That means my allergies are driving me up a fucking wall and I’m ready to tear what’s left of my skin off… Scratching until I’m bloody is not nearly as much fun as you might think.

Is That a Banana in Your Pocket or are You Gonna Make a Pie?

I sat down to write this post thinking that yet again tonight I was uninspired and didn’t know what to write. Then the storm hit, a big ass thunderstorm and I figured our power would go out because the lights were blinking. Odd thing, looking south across the alley and neighboring streets it’s pitch black, all the power is out. Our side of the alley and looking north across the street, lights are on. Guess a close and personal relationship with the goat god does serve some purposes.  Not sure how long our power will stay on, but hey we’ll take what we can get. Anyhoo, post.

So still uninspired and tired and have an early morning appointment so need to get to bed anyway. I may very well have already posted this, but I’m too lazy to check. It’s a video done by french bloggers for my favorite Lily Allen song of all time – Fuck You! Obviously it’s NSFW, unless you’re wearing headphones.

If I cared more I’d kill you in your sleep.

I’m tired tonight and completely uninspired so instead of a post you get this… enjoy or not. Come back tomorrow for even more scintillating & witty repartee.

WTF! Wednesday #48

Well it was election day yesterday and as I write this post (Tuesday night) the numbers are coming in from around the state. Things are looking positive that the voters of Washington used their heads instead of being told what to do by religious bigots and anti-tax maniacs who live off the petition process. As of now Ref 71 which will uphold the Domestic Partner law is passing and Initiative 1033 which would slash the state budget is failing. Here’s hoping that the coming days bear out these trends. (since WA is an all vote by mail state the results can be delayed)

With that good news out of the way we still have to get to the things that are making me scream WTF! lately. Click through and scream right along with me.

• How’s that republican idiocy working out for you now?
• No need for hate crimes laws, really no need.
• Go Paula, Go Paula, Go Paula
• Exactly why partnerships are not enough, we demand equal rights NOW!
• Hey baby, you got some panties on yah while you’re making my latte?
• Oooops, did Hatch come near to admitting the truth behind the republican’s anti-healthcare stand?
• The gay lobby runs Seattle, runs it I say!
• Who you fuck impacts your ability to shoot it seems.
• Hate wins out in Maine.

 

Today’s The Day!

and if you’re in Maine be sure to vote No on 1!

Stolen Meme Monday #48

Continuing the pain that is One Long Meme… (thanks Sunday Stealing!)

27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? If I could eat while I sleep life would be perfect!
28. Do you look like your mom or dad? Not knowing who either of them are I have no idea.
29. How long does it take you in the shower? Just long enough to soap up the junk and have myself off.
30. Can you do the splits? I split lots of hookers legs, does that count?
31. What movie do you want to see right now? Any snuff film would be good.
32. What did you do for New Year’s? Buried a hooker in the backyard.
33. Do you think The Grudge was scary? If I have a grudge against you it will be scary for you.
34. Do you own a camera phone? I use it to document my conquests.
35. Was your mom a cheerleader? No, she was a teenage hooker.
36. What’s the last letter of your middle name? I don’t have a middle name.
37. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? As many as the voices in my head will let me have.
38. Do you like Care Bears? Yes, they are tasty when covered in barbecue sauce.
39. What do you buy at the movies? Condoms and lube.
40. Do you know how to play poker? No, but I know how to play poke her.
41. Do you wear your seat belt? Only when I’m drunk.
42. What do you wear to sleep? The skin of my latest conquest.
43. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? I left.
44. How many meals do you eat a day? I don’t eat, it’s how I keep my hourglass figure.
45. Is your tongue pierced? I don’t have a tongue, it was ripped out at birth.
46. Do you always read MySpace bulletins? What the fuck is MySpace?
47. Do you like funny or serious people better? As long as they scream when they die, I don’t care.
48. Ever been to L.A.? Only in my nightmares.
49. Did you eat a cookie today? No, but I ate a fur pie.
50. Do you use cuss words in other languages? Fuck no.
51. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? People pay for music downloads?
52. Do you hate chocolate? Why would I, it’s never done anything to me.
53. What do you and your parents fight about the most? I don’t know who my parents are, so we fight about that a lot.
54. Are you a gullible person? No, but most of my victims are.
55. Do you need a girlfriend to be happy? Unless she has a penis, no.
56. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what what would it be? Prostitute.
57. Are you easy to get along with? I don’t know, ask the dead hookers in my backyard.
58. What is your favorite time of day? Any time you’re not near me.

Ask Sofanda #20

I almost missed writing the column this month because the satanic high holy day approaches. I’ve been busy on my knees praying and blowing and praying some more because who knows what will happen tomorrow. I urge all of you to hide under your beds with your bibles once the sun goes down. If we survive the day of hell on earth tomorrow I’ll see you next month.

Hey Sofanda,
I give a lot of head to a lot of different guys, one time I blew the entire defensive line of my college’s football team. I’m getting tired of the guys I blow not knowing my name, they just call me boy, dude and faggot. How can I get them to remember my name while they’re balls deep in my throat?
Hell Yes I Swallow!

Hey Hell Yes I Swallow!,
Sounds like you’re quite the popular man on campus. The way I see it these guys are never going to know your name or really give a damn. They’re just using you to get their rocks off. You can either accept that or you can do what a girlfriend of mine did. She had her name tattooed upside down on the back of her neck. That way when he’s standing over you giving you the skull fuck of a lifetime your name is right there when he looks down.
Use Mouthwash Before You Kiss Me Kisses,
Sofanda

Sofanda,
I like to set things on fire and watch them burn to the ground. Is that so wrong?
Pass the Matches

Pass the Matches,
Did you masturbate a lot as a kid, wet the bed, kick puppies? I hear that’s what creates an arsonist. Get help you stupid fuck.
We Didn’t Start the Fire Kisses,
Sofanda

Hey Sofanda,
My boyfriend wants me to shave my vajayjay and I don’t really want to, partially because I think it’s gross for him to want a bare one like a little girls and partly because I’m afraid of cutting my lips off. He says he won’t go down on me until I “clear cut that forest”. What should I do?
Scared of Slicing

Hey Scared of Slicing,
Does he shave his balls? Around the base of his cock? If not tell him no head from you until he does, then tell him no head until he gets over the fact that you have a furry pie and aren’t going to change it. He’ll come around, the way to get what you want from men is take away blowjobs. Or you could just grow a pair and get a brazillian wax and be done with it.
Bare Pie is the Best Pie Kisses,
Sofanda

Hey Sofanda,
My neighbor masturbates a lot, like every single day. Not that I really care, but he does it in front of his computer watching porn with his lights on and his blinds open. How do I discretely tell him that I can see and would prefer not to.
Blinded by the Light in Biloxi

Hey Blinded by the Light in Biloxi,
Why cancel the free show? Fuck if it was me I’d be watching and playing a tune on my clit fiddle. Unless he’s fat, ugly and or old. In that case throw a brick through his window the next time he goes at it.
Show Momma What You Got Kisses,
Sofanda

Dear Sofanda,
You are a disgrace, an embarrassment and I disown you. A real lady does not perform blowjobs, nor does she let the entire Dallas Cowboys football team pull train on her, nor does she have a frequent member club card at the abortion and STD clinic. You may pray until your knees bleed, but you are not a good person.
Your Mother

Dear Mother,
I love you too momma, happy birthday!
Where do you think I learned it from kisses,
Sofanda

I’m the liberal elite!

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

WTF! Wednesday #47

It just never stops does it? The world turns, the crazy swirls and those of us without our head shoved up our asses stand around and shout WTF!

• He’s so popular that even the Secret Service can no longer keep up.
• Wow, that’s a great interest rate, I’ll take two!
• Campaign finance laws have passed for a reason douchebags. We want to know who’s funding hate in our state.
• Next in Dallas it will be illegal to drive while female.
• My surprise is that they could spell miscegenation!
• Racist, paranoid bigot – let me guess is he a republican?
• That’s a great idea Newt, you and Sarah will make a great ticket.
• Words have meaning, you’d think he would realize that.
• A life in prison at hard labor is too good for these sick freaks.
• Washington needs to follow the Dutch lead on this one!
• That’s one Golden Girl!
• Those watching are just as guilty as those who committed the crime.
• Go ahead red states, opt the fuck out. Watch the rest of us laugh in your face.
• When is this piece of trash up for reelection? Come on Connecticut get it right this time!
• Every time you masturbate gawd kills a kitten and if you’re in Colorado you killed a human being!
• There’s hope in Washington state, only a few days left! Yes on 71!

Stolen Meme Monday #47

No further on that whole grad school essay thingamabobber that I’m supposed to be working on. My greatest procrastination tool this weekend, weeding the front flower beds. Now my back hurts, but the front is partially weeded – I say partially because we let it get a bit out of control this fall. *sigh* Head down today to work on that damn essay, if only I could write it in my blog voice… Not sure they’d appreciate that though.

To entertain the masses while I struggle, from the thieves at Sunday Stealing we have One Long Meme Part 1 (one would think that part 2 would be next week, well we’ll just have to wait and see won’t we.)

1. The phone rings. Who will it to be? My parole office wondering where the hell I am.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? I take it home and use it to haul bodies to the backyard.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? You’d best be listening to me if you want to keep your head.
4. Do you take compliments well? I’m quite capable of forcing you to give me compliments.
5. Do you play Sudoku? No, but I play with myself quite a bit.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I was raised in a cave by a pack of wolves, so yes.
7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Camping is staying at the Holiday Inn.
8. What was your favorite game as a kid? Hide the salami.
9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew she was married, would you? Only if she could grow a penis.
10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? I persecute those with religious beliefs.
11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? I chase down those hookers for my backyard project.
12. Use three words to describe yourself? Hung, Horny, Available
13. Do any songs make you cry? I’m deaf, I can’t hear music. Thanks for reminding me you bastard.
14. Are you continuing your education? I continue to learn more about criminalities every single day.
15. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I prefer the intimacy of a knife.
16. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Just of my junk.
17. How often do you read books? I can’t read.
18. Do you think more about the past, present or future? The future, a world without you in it.
19. What is your favorite children’s book? Look, I already told you I can’t read. Geez.
20.What color are your eyes? Blood red.
21. How tall are you? Tall enough that my feet reach the ground.
22. Where is your dream house located? Somewhere you will never find me.
23. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? My gold cock ring.
24. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? I’ve never been to Italy.
25. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? The third circle of hell to visit you.
26. Do you like mustard? Well it’s never done anything to me so yeah, I guess so.