Spill the Beans Sunday #9

Well hell, thank the zombie baby jeebus, the good green earth mother or even Daisy the dairy cow – Sarah Palin has resigned as Governor of Alaska and claims to be done with politics. The intelligent part of our country is relieved that we may never have to hear her mangle the English language again in her pursuit of rational thought. The stupid are wailing and gnashing their teeth and wondering how to facilitate her return to politics.

Now it’s your turn, tell us why you think she’s leaving the Governor’s mansion early:

• She’s beginning her run for the Presidency and she needs a lot of time to stretch
• She can’t finish anything she starts, four different colleges and a job with the Oil & Gas commission as precedent
• She and Joe the Plumber not only are going to be the Republican ticket in 2012, but they’re hiking the Appalachian trail together
• It’s damn hard work protecting Alaska from Russia, she needs an 18 month vacation on a beach in the Caribbean
• Her family told her she can no longer whore them out to get sympathy votes
• What’s that I smell, the early whiff of more scandal?

Happy 4th?

Today we celebrate the beginning of our grand experiment, tomorrow we resume fighting to keep it going.

Be safe, whatever you do today.

Things That Rawk #1

White Russians made with Espresso Vodka

2 parts Espresso Vodka + 1 part Kahlua + 1 part (Soy) Milk = Yummy Yummy Yummy

Actually, this probably is about you afterall so you should take notes or something

A few months ago this was infecting the PRB like a bad tuna sandwich infects your colon and I really meant to post this way back then, but I forgot. Actually I saved one of the posts in Google Reader to remind me to write the post and that brings us up to now. So yeah, everyone already did it and I’m late to the game as usual, so suck it bitches. Of course they all claimed that the post really wasn’t about you even if you saw yourself in the post… I’m not nearly that nice. Dude, it’s totally about you, pick which part and own it.

Let’s get this out of the way right up front, I’m an asshole. No really. I’m not a nice person and nothing you say or do is going to change my mind about that fact. There are days when I can’t even stand to be around myself, let alone subject the unwitting public to me – these are the days that I stay home and trust me the world would rejoice if only they knew. Hell, even my friends have a hard time putting up with me, I’m truly surprised I have any at all. In fact one of my closest friends once told me that I should get drunk more often because “she actually liked being around me when I was drunk.” Nice to know I’m loved.

So anyway, on to the shit you need to be taking notes on:

• It’s cute the way you think I give a shit.
• Your lack of planning and inability to be on time for anything bugs the shit out of me and I want to smack that passive-aggressive smirk right the fuck off your face.
• I cuss like a sailor and no it doesn’t mean I have a limited vocabulary because I almost guarantee that mine is bigger than yours and yes size does count. I cuss because I enjoy it, so there.
• I hate that damn passive-aggressive Seattle wave drivers give to each other. In fact if you do it to me you’re more than likely to get the finger for it.
• I love flipping people off, just ask my Mom.
• I hated Michael Jackson and his music before he died, I still do. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing his name, he’s dead get over it.
• A US Governor leaves the country with no trace, returns and admits to seeing his mistress using taxpayer dollars – all the while being a “family values” candidate. Yet the death of a pop singer takes over the news cycles. What the fuck is wrong with the people in this country?
• If I cared what you think about anything I’d ask your opinion. Haven’t asked yet, have I?
• If you’re not going to use the crosswalk then I don’t need to slow down for you. I’d suggest you run because I just might speed up.
• If you don’t use your turn signals it’s not my fault when I slam into you because I don’t know where the fuck you’re going.
• If you run a red light in front of me, you run the risk of meeting my car in a most abrupt manner.
• It’s illegal to talk on your cellphone without a headset while driving in Washington. If you’re going to continue to do so then I’m going to continue using a nail gun to affix it to the side of your head where it so obviously belongs.
• I probably think you’re stupid for any number of reasons, get over it.
• I didn’t like you twenty years ago in high school, I still don’t like you. Leave me alone.
• If you can’t drive at least the speed limit you need to get off the road.
• Don’t tell me how to live my life, I’m doing just fine and I’m not sure I want to follow your example.
• The most overused political catch phrases are “for the children”, “think of the children” and “family values” any candidate or issue using any of these should always receive a no vote.
• I’m a flaming atheistic homo liberal – if you’re not at least two of the three we probably have very little in common which would explain why I laugh a lot when you talk to me.
• You’re wrong, the world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around me. Drop to your knees and worship me as appropriate.

Ah, now doesn’t that feel better now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest.

Ask Sofanda #16

Not only does he take time off, but he also delays my monthly chance at fame for his own selfish reasons. If I weren’t still locked up in this damn jeebus rehab I’d get all stabby on his ass. Just to put your minds at rest, Auntie Flo decided to visit after all. Thank the Absolut Vodka gawds because you know that I’m just not fit to be a mother. I would have had to sell it to the gypsies… a new career path potential or are all my eggs dried up?

Enough about me fuckers, on to your pitiful problems. Pass the smokes, the vodka and the lube it’ s going to be a bumpy ride!

Dear Sofanda,
Is it really true that Sarah Palin can get pregnant from a toilet seat, but no one else can?
Confused in Kansas

Dear Confused in Kansas,
That’s the only way she can get pregnant, what man in his right mind would want to lick and stick that thing? Can you even imagine listening to her in the bedroom? Stick it here, rub me there – hell I’d want to shove a watermelon in her trap. Toilet seat impregnation is the only way the truly reprehensible right wingers can continue to reproduce.
Bags & Gags Make Sarah Fuckable Kisses,
Sofanda

Hey Sofanda,
I’m a woman of the lesbian persuasion and all I can hear is my biological clock ticking. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!!!!!  I want a baby like nobody’s business, but obviously I don’t want anything to do with a penis. I’m a single gal and live in a very conservative area so the sperm bank won’t sell me any spunk and I don’t know any gay boys that I would want to be the father of my child. What’s a sapphic sister to do?
Scramble my eggs please!

Hey Scramble My Eggs Please,
The first problem you have is that you want a child, obviously you were dropped on your head repeatedly as a child yourself. The second problem is that you live where you live. Now for the solution, get yourself to the nearest rest area or tea room and situate yourself where you can watch the boys walking by. Once one grabs your fancy follow him in and be sure to scoop up his spunk once he gets off and then insert quickly. It may take a few tries before you get enough goo and it’s not safe, but neither is living in the south yet people still do it.
Avoiding Gravel in the Spunk is Key Kisses,
Sofanda

Dear Sofanda,
My boyfriend and I are having an argument and we’ve decided to let you settle it for us. When he goes down on me he likes to kiss me, now I’m a straight gal and not really turned on by tasting my twat sauce, but he likes it so I do it. However when I go down on him he refuses to kiss me after even if he hasn’t shot off in my mouth, he says it’s gay. I quit letting him kiss me after he eats me and now he’s pissed off – what should we do?
Oral Dilemmas

Dear Oral Dilemmas,
Tell the selfish bastard that if he wants head he’s going to kiss you after. Then tell him that if you have to have his funky spunk in your mouth his tongue is going to be in there as well. If he doesn’t like it hand him some lotion and tell him to rub one out because you’re done until he tastes his own spunk in your mouth.
Funky Spunk Breath Kisses,
Sofanda

Yo Sofanda,
I like to whistle the Star Spangled Banner while I jerk off in the restroom where I work. Then I jizz all over the toilet seat and leave it that way for the next person (it’s a unisex bathroom). Is this normal?
Jackin’ with Jergens

Dear Jackin’ with Jergens,
No it’s not normal, not in the slightest. Do you work in Alaska with Sarah Palin?
Keep your DNA off me Kisses,
Sofanda

It’s not me, it’s you… or something like that!

You know I love you like I love a sweaty jockstrap, a vodka tonic or getting donkey punched – but I’m just not feeling it lately. So I’m taking a few days off, I’ll be back on July 1st with another scintilating episode of Ask Sofanda for your enjoyment or derision.

I’ll still be reading your blogs so write bitches write and keep me entertained!

I’ve Scored the Tests and You FAIL!

Last week I challenged you to see how well you know me. This week I provide the answers…

How Well Do You Know Me?

1)      What popular childhood game do I detest?
a)      Trouble
b)      Sorry
c)      Chutes & Ladders
d)      Clue
e)      Monopoly – I hate this game, stupid, never ending torture.

2)      What is my middle name?
a)      Lee
b)      Grover
c)      David
d)      Oliver
e)      Ernest

3)      What city was I born in?
a)      Ontario, OR
b)      Nyssa, OR
c)      Portland, OR
d)      Boise, ID
e)      Washington DC

4)      What is my favorite movie? – - I like all of these except E, I hate the Star Wars movies
a)      Cry Baby
b)      Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
c)      Hairspray
d)      Gone With the Wind
e)      Return of the Jedi

5)      If I had to eat the same kind of food for a month, what type would it be?
a)      Sushi – this should have been a gimmee!
b)      Italian
c)      Chinese
d)      Mexican
e)      Pizza

6)      My favorite drink is ________.
a)      Beer
b)      Red Wine
c)      White Wine
d)      Iced Tea
e)      Vodka Tonic w/ Lime – 2nd choice would be red wine then iced tea

7)      What is my favorite holiday?
a)      Christmas
b)      Thanksgiving – it’s all about the food baby
c)      Halloween
d)      July 4th
e)      New Year’s Eve

8.)      What did I want to be when I was little?
a)      Dentist
b)      Doctor
c)      Veterinarian
d)      Pilot
e)      Actor

9)      I hate all of these things… which do I hate the most?
a)      Kids in public places where they don’t belong
b)      Bad grammer/spelling
c)      Bad drivers
d)      People who talk during a movie
e)      People who talk on their cell phone and drive

10)      What would be the perfect present for me?
a)      A new book by my favorite author
b)      A bottle of expensive cologne
c)      A cd by singer/group that I enjoy
d)      Dinner at a 5 star restaurant

11)      Where did I grow up?
a)      On an acerage, “next door” to my grandparents
b)      On a working farm, “next door” to my grandparents
c)      In a three room shack atop a hill
d)      In a condo overlooking Lake Union
e)      In a house, somewhere

12)      What is my favorite wine?
a)      Pinot Noir
b)      Merlot
c)      Cabernet Sauvingon
d)      Syrah/Shiraz
e)      Any white – reds suck

13)      What would I be willing to eat for 10,000 dollars?
a)      Trotters
b)      Tongue
c)      Blood Sausage (again)
d)      Sweet Breads
e)      Nothing would be worth the $

14)      What is my favorite pizza topping?
a)      Canadian Bacon, black olives & mushrooms - I like pepperoni, but it gives me heartburn
b)      Pepperoni, black olives & mushrooms
c)      Sausage, onions and green peppers
d)      Canadian Bacon and pineapple
e)      Cheese

15)      What is my favorite type of music?
a)      Hard Rock – I can listen to anything but this is my favorite
b)      Country Western
c)      Classical
d)      Pop
e)      Techno

40 isn’t old, if you’re a tree, or 50 for that matter.

The birthday girl herself shakes it!

Last week one of  our closest friends turned 40 years old and decided to say farewell to her youth with a party to end all parties. On Saturday morning we loaded up in Tbone & Trixie’s hot new ride and set out for Roslyn, WA. (If you drive through Roslyn and it looks slightly familiar that’s because the tv show Northern Exposure was filmed there about 307 years ago.) After a blissful ride in their back seat we arrived in the lovely mountain town to find no stop lights and an infestation of Lithuanians. Seems that this past weekend was the heritage festival for the Lithuanian settlers of the town. All was good and we headed to the pizza joint that Tbone had been told to try by 37 different people. The pizza was good, but the crust was a bit sweet, weird, but good. Then we noticed the locals putting honey on their pizza crust – even weirder. Must be the Lithuanian blood making them do strange things. We avoided that, knocked back two pitchers of beer and headed back to the party house, which fortunately was within walking distance. Hell, everything is within walking distance in this town.

We returned to the house that Nettie’s sister Tiffany had rented for the soiree. It was a financial good deal since it slept about 347 people, but the house itself was really a shithole. Perfectly fine for the drunken debauchery that was to follow. Tiffany had a Wizard of Oz theme for the party and had really gone all out including bad witch punch, a yellow brick road cake and themed gift bags. A Wizard of Oz slide show was playing on the wall, we all wore bracelets that said “There’s No Place Like Home” and the walk up to the house was a yellow “brick” road. (If you’re in the Seattle area and need a party planner let me know and I’ll hook you up with Tiffany – she rocks!)

The party really got started early evening with a quiz about our birthday girl Nettie. I tied for 2nd place with 25 points, not bad considering some of the questions were obscure things like what color is the sun, how many toes do I have and how many bottles of wine can I drink before I fall down in a stupor? Following the quiz we had an insane game of celebrites which often leads to people being shanked in our crowd. We were divided up into the pink or red teams based on our bracelets, let’s just say that the pink team cheated their asses off, because all the hardcore celebrities players were on the red team.

Things really got wild once DJ Tan Tan started rocking the iPods – 4 of them at one count – and she got the music blaring. The rest of the evening saw dance offs, cat walk offs and other undescribable events. All I can say is that the liqour never stopped flowing, the music never stopped spinning as long as DJ Tan Tan was in charge and the fun never ended. After a few too many drinks and a delicious cigar I retired to the upstairs bedroom maze at about 2:30am. I could hear the party continue on for about another two hours. No wonder everyone looked so tired the next morning. Sadly we returned to Seattle Sunday morning where Bryan and I spent the rest of the day recovering from our excesses.

Look at the wall!

DJ Tan Tan spins the tunes!

Party planner, rump shaker, what doesn't she do?

Bryan what are you doing to Gabe?

Shawna approves of the action.

The birthday girl gets some hot boy butt.

Stolen Meme Monday #32

It’s stolen. It’s a meme. It’s a Monday. It’s the 32nd time I’ve done this. Do I really need to explain it further? Thanks be to the thieves at Sunday Stealing as usual.

The A to Z Meme:

A
• Are you available? For a price something can be arranged.
• What is your age? Old enough to have done it once or twice and young enough to still enjoy it.
• What annoys you? How much time to you have?

B
• Do you know anyone named Billy? Only two toothed hicks are named Billy.
• When is your birthday? Unless you’re planning on sending gifts, none of your damn business.
• Who is your best friend? My right hand and a bottle of lotion.

C
• What’s your favorite candy? Meth.
• Crush? No I prefer Root Beer.
• When was the last time you cried? I’ve had my tear ducts removed.

D
• Do you daydream? Of a world without idiots.
• What’s your favorite kind of dog? Dead.
• What day of the week is it? Don’t you own a calendar, or are you just stupid?

E
• How do you like your eggs? Unfertilized please.
• Have you ever been in the emergency room? No, but I’ve sent hundreds of fools there.
• Ever pet an elephant? With an AK-47.

F
• Do you use fly swatters? Smack a boy on the balls with one of those and he’ll obey for hours.
• Have you ever used a foghorn? When your sex slave is deaf and/or dead they come in handy.
• Is there a fan in your room? I don’t usually let my fans in the house, they stalk me from outside the window.

G
• Do you chew gum? I prefer to chew on nipples.
• Do you like gummy candies? No, but I like chewing on balls too.
• Do you like gory movies? My homemade sex tapes qualify as gory movies.

H
• How are you? Breathing, that’s a start.
• What’s your height? 7 foot, 11 inches.
• What color is your hair? Shaved – hardwoods rock baby.

I
• What’s your favorite ice cream? The frozen kind.
• Have you ever ice skated? No, but I did off a guy with an ice skate once.
• Ever been in an igloo? There was this one forgy with some Eskimos…

J
• What’s your favorite Jelly Bean? Tinkie Winkie.
• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke? Never.
• Do you wear jewelry? My body jewelry sets off the metal detector at the damn airport.

K
• Who do you want to kill? How much time do you have?
• Have you ever flown a kite? No, but I’ve been as high as a kite before.
• Do you think kangaroos are cute? No, but they sure taste good with a nice Chianti.

L
• Are you laidback? I get laid on my back a lot.
• Lions or Tigers? Hippos
• Do you like black licorice? Only when used as edible bondage ropes.

M
• Favorite movie as a kid? Debbie Does Dallas.
• Ever shopped at Moosejaw? No, but I’ve had several Moose Knuckles over the years.
• Favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic for their Polos and Khakis.

N
• Do you have a nickname? Prisoner 24601.
• Whats your favorite number? 14 inches.
• Do you prefer night or day? The sun, it burns.

O
• What’s your one wish? That you would drop dead.
• Are you an only child? After I knocked off the others, yes.
• Do you like the color orange? Only if I don’t have to look at it.

P
• What are you most paranoid about? The size of my penis, it keeps falling out the cuff of my pants.
• Piercings? Can you say pin cushion?
• Do you know anyone named Penelope? My penis.

Q
• Are you quick to judge people? Judge, condemn and execute.
• Do you like Quaker Oats? Do I look like  religious fanatic?
• Know anyone that makes quilts? I don’t hang with people that old.

R
• Do you think you’re always right? Are you suggesting that there’s a chance that I’m not?
• Do you watch reality TV? Only to find new victims for my latest ponzi scheme.
• Reason to cry? Your oral hygiene.

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain? Do you not pay attention? The sun, it burns.
• Do you like snow? Only the kind I can snort.
• What’s your favorite season? Salt & Pepper.

T
• What time is it? Buy a clock you cheap bastard.
• What time did you wake up? When the roofies wore off.

U
• Can you ride a unicycle? Why in the hell would I want to?
• Do you know anyone with a unibrow? That’s what waxing is for.
• How many Uncles do you have? None that lived through my childhood.

V
• What’s the worst vegetable? Broccoli, it has no respect for authority.
• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales? Again, I”m not a fucking religious fanatic – pay attention.
• Ever considered being vegan? I am a vegan, except for the blood and flesh of virgins.

W
• What’s your worst habit? Not shooting on sight.
• Do you like water rides? No, but I dig golden showers.
• Ever been inside a windmill? Have you ever been inside a blender?

X
• Have you ever had an x-ray? I x-rayed my last boyfriend’s head, it was empty.
• Ever used a Xerox machine? To photocopy my junk to mail to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Y
• Do you like the color yellow? If it’s in a shower yes.
• What year were you born in? The year of our zombie jeebus lord 1645.
• Do you yell when you’re angry? No, I shoot first and ask questions later.

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac? About as much as I believe in the bible.
• What’s your zodiac sign? George.
• When was the last time you went to the zoo? I pick up guys there and shag them behind the snake house.

A
• Are you available?
• What is your age?
• What annoys you?

B
• Do you know anyone named Billy?
• When is your birthday?
• Who is your best friend?

C
• What’s your favorite candy?
• Crush?
• When was the last time you cried?

D
• Do you daydream?:
• What’s your favorite kind of dog?
• What day of the week is it?

E
• How do you like your eggs?
• Have you ever been in the emergency room?
• Ever pet an elephant?

F
• Do you use fly swatters?
• Have you ever used a foghorn?
• Is there a fan in your room?

G
• Do you chew gum?
• Do you like gummy candies?
• Do you like gory movies?

H
• How are you?
• What’s your height?.
• What color is your hair?

I
• What’s your favorite ice cream?
• Have you ever ice skated?
• Ever been in an igloo?

J
• What’s your favorite Jelly Bean?
• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?
• Do you wear jewelry?

K
• Who do you want to kill?
• Have you ever flown a kite?
• Do you think kangaroos are cute?

L
• Are you laidback?
• Lions or Tigers?
• Do you like black licorice?

M
• Favorite movie as a kid?
• Ever shopped at Moosejaw?
• Favorite store at the mall?

N
• Do you have a nickname?
• Whats your favorite number?
• Do you prefer night or day?

O
• What’s your one wish?
• Are you an only child?
• Do you like the color orange?

P
• What are you most paranoid about?
• Piercings?
• Do you know anyone named Penelope?

Q
• Are you quick to judge people?
• Do you like Quaker Oats?
• Know anyone that makes quilts?
• Do you think you’re always right?
• Do you watch reality TV?
• Reason to cry?

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain?
• Do you like snow?
• What’s your favorite season?

T
• time is it?
• What time did you wake up?

U
• Can you ride a unicycle?
• Do you know anyone with a unibrow?
• Uncles do you have?

V
• What’s the worst vegetable?
• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales?
• Ever considered being vegan?

W
• What’s your worst habit?
• Do you like water rides?
• Ever been inside a windmill?

X
• Have you ever had an x-ray?
• Ever used a Xerox machine?

Y
• Do you like the color yellow?
• What year were you born in?:
• Do you yell when you’re angry?

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac?
• What’s your zodiac sign?
• When was the last time you went to the zoo?

Riddle me this

If you stalk me on Facebook (and if you don’t why not, do you really want to make me cry?) then you may have already seen this little quiz. Answer the questions in the comments and I’ll give you the answers next Friday. I will tell you that questions #3, 6, 7, 11 & 15 have seemed to be the most challenging for those who’ve taken the quiz already, including my siblings and some of my closest friends… Not sure what that means exactly.

How Well Do You Know Me?

1)      What popular childhood game do I detest?
a)      Trouble
b)      Sorry
c)      Chutes & Ladders
d)      Clue
e)      Monopoly

2)      What is my middle name?
a)      Lee
b)      Grover
c)      David
d)      Oliver
e)      Ernest

3)      What city was I born in?
a)      Ontario, OR
b)      Nyssa, OR
c)      Portland, OR
d)      Boise, ID
e)      Washington DC

4)      What is my favorite movie?
a)      Cry Baby
b)      Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
c)      Hairspray
d)      Gone With the Wind
e)      Return of the Jedi

5)      If I had to eat the same kind of food for a month, what type would it be?
a)      Sushi
b)      Italian
c)      Chinese
d)      Mexican
e)      Pizza

6)      My favorite drink is ________.
a)      Beer
b)      Red Wine
c)      White Wine
d)      Iced Tea
e)      Vodka Tonic w/ Lime

7)      What is my favorite holiday?
a)      Christmas
b)      Thanksgiving
c)      Halloween
d)      July 4th
e)      New Year’s Eve

8.)      What did I want to be when I was little?
a)      Dentist
b)      Doctor
c)      Veterinarian
d)      Pilot
e)      Actor

9)      I hate all of these things… which do I hate the most?
a)      Kids in public places where they don’t belong
b)      Bad grammer/spelling
c)      Bad drivers
d)      People who talk during a movie
e)      People who talk on their cell phone and drive

10)      What would be the perfect present for me?
a)      A new book by my favorite author
b)      A bottle of expensive cologne
c)      A cd by singer/group that I enjoy
d)      Dinner at a 5 star restaurant

11)      Where did I grow up?
a)      On an acerage, “next door” to my grandparents
b)      On a working farm, “next door” to my grandparents
c)      In a three room shack atop a hill
d)      In a condo overlooking Lake Union
e)      In a house, somewhere

12)      What is my favorite wine?
a)      Pinot Noir
b)      Merlot
c)      Cabernet Sauvingon
d)      Syrah/Shiraz
e)      Any white – reds suck

13)      What would I be willing to eat for 10,000 dollars?
a)      Trotters
b)      Tongue
c)      Blood Sausage (again)
d)      Sweet Breads
e)      Nothing would be worth the $

14)      What is my favorite pizza topping?
a)      Canadian Bacon, black olives & mushrooms
b)      Pepperoni, black olives & mushrooms
c)      Sausage, onions and green peppers
d)      Canadian Bacon and pineapple
e)      Cheese

15)      What is my favorite type of music?
a)      Hard Rock
b)      Country Western
c)      Classical
d)      Pop
e)      Techno